BREAKING NEWS: TCU TO JOIN THE HFFPAC.

Fort Worth, TX (AP)

With the news that Pittsburgh and Syracuse, two of the Big East's cornerstone programs, are heading to the Atlantic Coast Conference, TCU announced today that it will not become a member of the Big East Conference next year as was planned. "Obviously this is a volatile time for college football and college athletics as a whole," said TCU athletic director Chis Del Conte. "Nothing is set in stone and traditional factors like geography, culture, and historic rivalries are being pushed to the wayside by the almighty dollar. At this point, you really have to be ready for anything."

Rather than join the Big East, TCU will aid in the formation of a new conference that, according to Del Conte, will emphasize a more traditional approach to college football that focuses less on money and more on the game day experience. "We don't care about how many people in Indianapolis or San Francisco watch us on television, we want something that resonates with the TCU fan base here in Fort Worth. That is why we're getting together with some other non-BCS conference schools to create a brand of football that sees college football not as a revenue stream, but rather as something that brings people together."

TCU will become a charter member of the Happy FunFun Pinfootball Awesome Conference (HFFPAC) along with fellow non-BCS schools SMU, Houston, Rice, Tulsa, Tulane, Southern Mississippi, Memphis, New Mexico, University of South Alabama, and Troy. Del Conte noted that he "envisions it being like the MAC, but, you know, more entertaining and catered!"

The HFFPAC will focus on creating a unique game day experience that many believe will be unattainable in the coming era of super conferences. Memphis Athletic Director R.C. Johnson explained how the HFFPAC's games will work, "There will be three stages: First, there will be a giant communal tailgate in which the students, players, coaches, and fans of both schools will drink until everyone is sufficiently drunk. Then they'll play the game after which, regardless of what happens on the field, we'll all sit down to a delicious meal."

The post-game meals will serve different items from the communities of the HFFPAC's members. For instance, Memphis will feature BBQ and SMU will provide cocaine.

When reached for comment, TCU coach Gary Patterson gave his vote of approval. "It's upsetting that we aren't going to be joining the Big East like we planned, but to be honest, I was having some doubts about the whole BCS conference thing anyways. I mean, ever since we signed on there has been all kinds of drama and bitching amongst them. One little disagreement or a perceived lack of respect and they'll start planning to nuke one another. It seemed they weren't focused on actually, you know, playing football. But we're excited about the HFFPAC. I know Casey is excited about the prospect of playing drunk and I hear the conference will provide complimentary gelatin in the event of a weather delay. Free gelatin is something I can get behind."

While the HFFPAC will begin play next year with eleven schools, the conference is open to accepting new schools. "We aren't gonna act like those other conferences and flash money or show some leg to attract them. We'll wait for other schools to come to us, and we think the game day atmosphere we'll have will be something that real football fans will gravitate towards," said the HFFPAC's interim commissioner Jon Daly. "I'll tell you what, if Iowa State and Kansas wanna join, we'll let them in. They not only add to new schools to the conference, but together they provide both corn and flour tortillas to our post-game meals. Forget about new television markets, the HFFPAC is focused on new entrees. Hell, Baylor can come too, we're gonna need some designated drivers."

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