While the secrecy surrounding the football team is unnerving, it does cement our status as the North Korea of college football. We're secretive. We have a cult of personality surrounding Dick Bumpas's mustache, and we're aligned with the fiscal policy of China (Texas), rather than "foreigners" (Big East) like the other half of the divided peninsula (DFW). Plus, while you can knock our ability to shoot missiles (basketball), nobody laughs about the strength of our standing army (football). So Dear Leader Patterson, may our linebackers sting with venom, our linemen run like wildebeest, and our offense move with the grace and ferocity of a chain of lynx! /bows