(I can't hate UL-Monroe or Portland State, so SMU hate will flow for the next three weeks. For future reference, hatred of Craig James is completely nonpartisan and an informed voter is a voter that investigates the rumor that Craig James, allegedly, killed five hookers while at SMU.- Truff)
Hello Americans, I’m Craig James and I’m running for U.S. Senate. A lot of people have been saying bad things about me. However, these things are lies. I’d like to talk about some of them today and get the truth out so that you, the American voter, can make a smart decision come November.
First, I’d like to address this opinion poll. This poll alleges that I’m not popular. That is a lie. Why else would I have a job on TV? Would a national cable network such as ESPN really keep me on the air if viewers did not trust my insight, opinions, and, most importantly, my American values? No. Don’t be stupid.
However, I feel that some folks in Lubbock may not like me, but the entire Texas Tech affair was a giant misunderstanding. Some will argue that I’m responsible for Mike Leach getting fired. That is a lie. You see, I’m a lifelong Tech fan and want nothing but the best for the school. In fact, I’m a West Texas Pioneer. It’s true. I helped settle the Jacksonville area. I have the card to prove it.
You might notice that that card is laminated. That’s how you know you can trust it. Laminated things are always trustworthy. As a West Texas pioneer, why would I want anything bad to ever happen to West Texas's finest school? Clearly, I would not.
Some might say that I did not like Mike Leach. That is a lie. Mike Leach is a good friend. He was a father-like mentor to my son Adam. If anything, Mike failed to adequately discipline Adam, but I have no ill will towards him. In fact, I drew Coach Leach this picture as a parting gift.
It’s him sailing to Key West in a steam boat, because I know how big of steamboat operator fan he is. These are the things you learn when you become really close with him.
Now, I know what some of you are wondering. If I’m such a huge Tech fan, why go to SMU? Some people will say it’s because I got paid. That is a lie. It is all a misunderstanding. I am living proof of the importance of economic freedom and America's entrepreneurial spirit. You see, I earned a scholarship as a result of my superior athletic ability, despite my impoverished background. Anyone who claims poverty only needs to utilize the superior athletic ability that they possess. They have no one to blame but themselves.
So you see, I didn’t attend SMU because I was promised money. I attended so as to gain the Christian values that come with a religious education. This was the only thing that the beautiful campus of Tech was missing. One important value I learned was giving back to the community. This is where the idea that I was somehow paid came about. You see, I give very generously to my alma mater.
On account of my generosity, some have speculated that I must have been paid, because they can see no other reason how someone could love their school as much I do. These people are cyclical sinical, and therefore they cannot be trusted.
In fact, not only was I not paid to play at SMU, but I worked my tail off to make money in the offseason. I supported myself, because I came from an impoverished background and therefore could not rely on my parents the way that my political opponent likely did. I worked hard and became a champion rodeo cowboy and sheep rancher.
You may recognize these things as being very "West Texas" type things. They are.
I even starred in a movie. However, it was deemed "too American" for the general public and instead was shown only in select small-town theatres across the state of Texas, which was considered the only state American enough to handle the film’s level of patriotism. Unfortunately, all existing copies of the film were destroyed. The only proof is this one advertisement that I have carried in my wallet for the last 40 years so as to remind me of the importance of hard work and, most importantly, my West Texan roots.
So you see America, many of things people say about me are untrue. I got where I am today through hard work. I used my god given talent to become a white skill position football player, and this allowed me to fill the role of a "ex-skill position-player-who-happens-to-be-white" football analyst. I know what it means to be American. So come November, remember these things.
Unlike my critics, I cannot tell a lie.
