Frogs O' War Theater: Hello, Mr. Anderson

Welcome back to Frogs O' War Theater.  For those of you new to the site, on occasion when game tape is too depressing to review, opposing bloggers don't respond to Q&A requests in time or there's just a black mood on the blog, HawkeyedFrog puts aside his other responsibilities and writes plots of intrigue.  For previous entries in the series, check out Attack on Tigers, The Tech Problem and The Raid on Smurf Village.  Also for context on why the TCU offense has been so bad this year, check out my contribution to Barking Carnival's TCU Preview.  And now, we take you not to the Frogs O' War War Room, but to the offices of our embattled offensive coordinator, Jarrett Anderson.

Office of Jarrett Anderson, September 13th, 2013

Jarrett Anderson is fiddling on his computer to edit gamefilm when two men in black and white suits and sunglasses enter.  They are Athletic Director Chris Del Conte and Oklahoma football coach Bob Stoops

: Oh, hey guys.  I wasn't expecting to see you both again so soon.  What's with the getup?

Agent Del Conte: Hello Mr. Anderson.

Agent Stoops sits down in front of Anderson's desk, setting down a file that reads "Jarrett Anderson internet history": It seems you have been leading two lives, Mr. Anderson.  In one life you're the playcaller for the TCU Horned Frogs who has made an agreement with us to pass the ball as much as possible.  In the other you are FrogsOnTheGround, frequent lurker on Frogsowar- a blog which proposes running the ball as much as possible.  One of these lives has a future at TCU.  One does not.

: Oh hell.  I'm sorry guys, I've just gotten so caught up in putting the best offense I can out there.  I'm the running backs coach too, for crying out loud, I can't just forget that they exist.

Agent Del Conte: Yet forget them you must, Mr. Anderson.  There is much more on the line here than just your prospects of becoming a head coach.  The fate of the entire TCU program is resting on you throwing the ball.

: I don't understand, sir.

Agent Stoops: If Patterson wins games with his typical balanced attack and dynamic defense, dominating teams from start to finish, he's going to attract notice.  Notice from the Texas Longhorns whose fans are on the lookout for a new coach.

Agent Del Conte: They follow him wherever he goes, Mr. Anderson.  They long for a defense that can shut opponents down, for a coach who doesn't give his team a backrub at halftime and clap when they go three and out yet again.  They put his position, and all of our positions here at TCU in jeopardy.

: But if this offense, and coming from behind is as effective as you guys say won't they just want him more?

Agent Stoops: Everyone knows that Patterson runs the defense at TCU, Mr. Anderson.  And defensive coaches love the running game to help keep their defenses fresh.  If you throw the ball, people know it's you doing it.

Agent Del Conte: And when people are talking about how great the TCU offense is playing, they'll be talking about you, Mr. Anderson.  When TCU rallies from down two touchdowns in the second half, they'll be thinking of your mastery of the passing game.

Agent Stoops: Thinking about how good you might look in a burnt orange polo shirt.

: Me?  Coach at Texas?  That would be incredible!

Agent Stoops smiles: It appears we have an agreement, then.

Agent Del Conte: We will be monitoring you to make sure you keep up your end of the bargain, Mr. Anderson.

: Yes sir!  No running the football, Air Raid and furious come from behind action!

Agent Del Conte: And no more Frogs O' War, Mr. Anderson.  It will put bad ideas into your head.

: No sir!

Agent Stoops: This little bug will help you forget, Mr. Anderson.  It will help you become a head coach.  All you have to do is put it in your ear.

Anderson does, and Agents Del Conte and Stoops nod and leave, smiling.

: I still don't get why they were dressed like that.

Night, Saturday, October 19, 2013

Jarrett Anderson is sleeping soundly alone in his bed, when three men and a giant horned frog in pleather bodysuits and sunglasses enter.

:What the hell?  Who are you guys?  . . . Superfrog, is that you?

: We're your friends, FrogsOnTheGround.

: Oh no, it's you guys.  They told me to stay away from you, that you were dangerous.

Jamie: We know they are, Ground, that's why we came here to help you.  You have to run the ball.

: What the ball?  What are you talking about?

Patrick: It's worse than we feared.

HawkeyedFrog: This may come as a shock to you, Ground, but there's a position on the football team that you have totally forgotten.  A position that gives balance and effectiveness to an offense.  A position that can run the ball not as a last ditch option when your receivers are covered, but by design.

: You're scaring me.  I don't know what you're talking about.  Throwing the ball is going to get me a head coaching job!

: You were set up to fail, Ground.  Del Conte and Stoops were willing to sacrifice you to keep Patterson out of Austin without considering the consequences.

Patrick: As it stands right now, Ground, there is a real chance that the Big 12 champion this year could be Baylor.

almost chokes in terror

HawkeyedFrog: We all want Patterson to stay forever, Ground, but we're not prepared to cede the conference to the Bears just to make sure of it.

: I understand, but I was going to be a head coach.  They told me...

Jamie: They lied to you, Ground.

: Stop calling me that.  I don't know what you're talking about.

: There are other ways to become a head coach, Ground.  Look at Justin Fuente- he got a head coaching job through balance and spread concepts.

: Yeah, at Memphis.

Patrick: They promised you Texas, didn't they?  Told you that comebacks and throwing the ball was the way to get it.

Jamie: Texas isn't going to hire a coordinator, Ground.  Texas is not the place for those young guys who have promise- it's the place for established coaches to make more money than anyone can dream of while they slowly become shells of themselves.

: Even if what you said is true, how could there be a world of offense beyond what I know?

offers two pills: You have a choice, Ground.  You can either take the blue pill and wake up tomorrow believing you're going to be the head coach at UT one day, or take the red pill and we'll show you how deep the offensive rabbit hole goes.

Hesitates for a moment before taking the red pill.  The bug in his ear bursts out and dies and Anderson collapses on the floor.

Jamie: Ground, can you hear me?  Do you remember?

: I know... how to run the football

: Show me.

Time passes, several frantic games of NCAA Football and game tape of 1995 Nebraska is played.  The staff retreat to the Frogs O' War War Room and remove their sunglasses.

Patrick: I don't think we needed all of the clothes and everything, we went way over the $50-to-ensure-victory budget.

: Consider it an investment.  Every game that Anderson calls from here on out will be with the knowledge that you can run the ball.

HawkeyedFrog pulls up the internet and starts to read

Jamie: Running the ball... It's hard to remember what it's like.

Patrick: It will be so good to get it back, see Waymon James again.

HawkeyedFrog: Uh... Guys?

He points to his screen, a headline of "Rusty Burns replaces Jarrett Anderson as playcaller" with an image of Agent Del Conte behind him.

: Aw hell.

Fin.