Frogs O War Theater: The Tech Problem

The conference opener is upon us, with all the national attention that a primetime Thursday night audience brings.  It's been a hectic short week on Frogs O' War, with in-depth previews, Questions and answers with our friends at Viva the Matador, a bet between husband and wife and, of course, a whole lot of sh** talking.  With all the tension in the air (and also because of late arriving SE Louisiana game film meaning I don't have the Video Rewind ready) let's lighten the mood a bit, and in the spirit of Attack on Tigers (recommended reading before you read this post) and the Raid on Smurf Village (the OBNUG blog bet win post, for our old readers) I welcome you back to the Frogs O' War War Room for... The Tech Problem.

December 5, 2012

Frogs O' War War Room:  HawkeyedFrog, Jamie Plunkett, Patrick McCullough and Superfrog have gathered to wrap the regular season and ensure that certain mistakes- namely a triple overtime loss to Texas Tech- are never repeated again.  Superfrog is on the phone as we begin.

Patrick: So we've gone over plans for the first two weeks of the season, if it's all right with you gentlemen, let's move onto Texas Tech.

HawkeyedFrog twitches violently

Jamie: Is he all right?

Patrick: He just gets a twitch when Tech is mentioned.  Something about childhood trauma.

HawkeyedFrog swallows a pill: I'll be fine.  The question is how do we keep our guys from losing again?

Patrick: Tech has some sort of dark magic about them that makes things go their way when they meet us.  Even our own staff isn't immune.  Jamie, are you sure you should be here for this briefing?

Jamie: Just because I married a tech grad doesn't mean there was dark magic involved.  When we met it was...

Patrick: Magical, I'll bet.  Proves my point.  How is it our defense shut down Baylor like no one else could, but got shredded by Tech if not by dark magic?

Hangs up the phone: The answer is Tommy Tuberville.

HawkeyedFrog: The Tech head coach?  He seems like the least of our concerns, boss, their fans don't even like him.

: I just got off of a collect call from a secret TCU backer who coached against Tuberville in the SEC, all of his information says that this is a man that needs to be feared.

Patrick: Of all of the evil things about Texas Tech he certainly does seem to be the least of them.  He's no Mike Leach

HawkeyedFrog twitches again

Jamie: Is he all right?

Patrick: He just gets a twitch when Mike Leach is mentioned.  Something about young adult trauma.  It takes someone mentioning 12-3 to get him back to normal.

HawkeyedFrog exhales, relieved: Ah, thanks for that.  I feel better remembering that Patterson can shut down Tech entirely with the right team.

: And that is precisely the problem, gentlemen.  If Tech has a coach that gets frustrated when he can't score, that's a point in out favor.  Tuberville is something else entirely though.

Jamie: He outscored us last year, 56-53.

HawkeyedFrog spasms

Patrick: Seriously, come on Hawk.  You don't have to develop a nervous tick every time you remember a loss to Tech.

HawkeyedFrog: What?  Oh, no, that last one was just a cramp in the neck.  go on.

Jamie: A guy who puts up 56 points isn't going to be content if he's only scoring three.

: That's where the information I was passed comes in, gentlemen.  Tuberville's dark magic secret...

Patrick: I knew it!

HawkeyedFrog: Hush.  Carry on, boss.

: Tuberville's secret is that he'd rather win a game 3-2 than 56-53.

Jamie: That's ridiculous, boss.  You'd have to be a defense first coach like Patterson to ever be content with a score like that.

: The evidence is clear.  Tuberville even installed the worst spread offense in college football history to win the ugliest game in history- his crowning moment.

Baby I'm Burnin': Auburn @ Mississippi State 2008 (HQ)

HawkeyedFrog: Catchy.  That looked a lot more like bad offense than good defense though.

Patrick: I'll bet that's where the dark magic comes in.

: That's exactly it.  Because Mississippi State was that bad, he put in that offense just to win in the worst way possible.  We're dealing with a sadistic coaching genius here, gentlemen.

Jamie: I'm beginning to think Superfrog is right and this is a great Tech conspiracy of some sort, guys.  We have to get Tuberville away from them.

Patrick: Easier than said when you're dealing with dark magic.

HawkeyedFrog: Dark magic or not, Tuberville has a reputation for abandoning universities.  Maybe we can find a new home for him?

: Hm.  Well, I do have some old contacts from Conference USA.

Patrick: He's not going to go to a Conference USA school, boss.  He's in the Big 12 and he's from the SEC.

HawkeyedFrog: A couple of those CUSA schools moved up to Conference USA v2.  What did they call it?  The Big East?

Jamie: Well, it has "Big" in it, maybe that'll be enough.

flips open his cell phone again: Is that Cincinnati AD Whit Babcock?  Superfrog here, how the hell are ya, Whit?  Look, I know you're shaken up over losing Butch Davis to Tennessee, nobody feels good after that.  Yeah, and you lost Brian Kelly too and now he's a national title game participant. *Loud sobs are heard over the speaker*

: Whit man, get a hold of yourself.  What's important right now is that you need a new coach again. *Sobs escalate*.  The problem is you've been hiring all these young up-and-comer types.  They're good for padding the win column, but in a few years you're left holding the bag while they go off to a bigger job.  What you need is an older coach, someone who's looking to settle down.  He may not give you all the flash and charisma, but he's the kind of guy who'll stand behind you.

HawkeyedFrog: You're planning on giving him a coach who said they'd haul him from Ole Miss in a pine box and was introduced at Auburn in the next week to stand behind him?

: Huh, that?  No, it's just some guy who won't have a job here for long if he doesn't shut up.  Come on Whit, it's Superfrog, have I ever given you a bum steer?  Remember if it weren't for us taking the spot, you'd be here in the Big 12 where it's about to implode any minute.

Jamie: What about the grant of television rights and...

: No, just another fired guy.  That's right Whit, you can trust ol' Superfrog.  Yeah, he even runs the spread, just like you guys like!  Of course we'll speak to him for you.  Yeah.  Great, Whit.  That's great that you feel that way buddy.  Yeah, we'll have him call you.  Bye

Patrick: Did he tell you he loves you at the end there?

: They all love me.  Jamie, Hawk, you're unfired.  Learn to be quiet when the boss is talking.  Now we just have to get Tuberville to agree to coach in Cincy and we're golden.

HawkeyedFrog: That's the real problem though.  You've got a man who's coached all his life in the south.  A man who's coaching at a Big 12 school that isn't even Kansas, Iowa State or Baylor.  This is a guy who's gone 13-0 in the SEC for crying out loud.  You think he'd just up and leave a program like Texas Tech just like that?

A long pause... then all three others break out laughing

Patrick: Good one, Hawk.  Let's call him on speakerphone.

Superfrog fiddles with the phone, it rings

: Tommy Tuberville here.  I'm at dinner with recruits, so this had better be important

: Coach Tuberville, how would you like to be the head coach at the University of Cincinnati?

: Kirby, is that you again?  You aren't going to buy me out that easy.

Patrick: No, we're calling on behalf of Whit Babcock.  They just lost their coach up there in Cincy and they're hoping you'll go up there and coach them.

: Look gentlemen, I don't know what game you think you're playing, but I'd never leave Texas Tech, the home of the greatest fans in the world.  (Devonte, Sunny, Javess, stay here and enjoy some of these top quality Lubbock steaks.  I'm going to step out so I can give these guys a piece of my mind.)

A pause as Tuberville leaves the table

: You guys still there?

HawkeyedFrog: We're sorry coach, we didn't mean to presume...

: Screw apologies, get me the hell out of here!  Tell Mr. Babcock I'll be in his office in four hours to draw up the paperwork.  I'M GOING TO CINCINNATI!

A players voice is heard on Tuberville's end: (Coach?)

: (Don't worry, Javess, I'm going to Cincinnati to tell those clods what I think of their job offer.  After that they'll have to take me from Lubbock in a pine box.  I'll be back for dessert, don't you worry about that.)

Javess: Thanks coach, go get 'em!

: If he'll meet me at the airport we can have this done in three hours.  You sure this isn't Kirby?  That son of a bitch told me I was a sure thing for the A&M job too.

: Just some well wishers, coach.  Knock 'em dead in Cincy.

:Thank you all so much.  I AM OUT OF HERE FOREVER!  (No Sunny, I mean I'm never going back into that bathroom stall in there, I absolutely destroyed it, you know what I mean?  Get your guns up, right?  Ha ha.  Yeah, go order me a strawberry shake, they're my favorite.  I'll be back soon.)  Thank you so much guys.  I don't know if I could take another dust storm.  Bye!

The phone clicks off

Jamie: My wife says they have a word for days when the weather is awful in Lubbock

Patrick: Weekdays?

HawkeyedFrog: Damn it Patrick, it's that kind of line that gets us into trouble.

Patrick: I'm worried about this though guys.  We got rid of one source of the dark magic, but what if Tech hires someone better?  Shit guys, what if they get one of those young up and comers that Superfrog was talking about on the phone?

: Patrick, I've told you about the swearing.  Once an athletic director gets a guy like Tuberville they get risk averse.  They'll aim for an older coach who can keep the ship afloat, maybe June Jones or Art Briles.  And even if they wanted it, what kind of young up and comer has any ties to Tech?

Patrick: You're probably right, Boss, I'm sorry.  If you're right about this, I promise to never swear about Tech again.

Jamie: Then there's Tech sorted.  Great job everyone.  Will you excuse me?

Jamie Plunkett exits the War Room and pulls out a cell phone of his own.

Jamie: Hey hon?  It's done, we got rid of Tuberville.  You still have to keep your end of the deal though- our firstborn will be attending TCU.  We're still going to beat you this year, even without him though.  Yeah, I'm sure, you want to bet?

December 12, 2012

Frogs O' War War Room, HawkeyedFrog, Jamie Plunkett and Patrick McCullough are watching as Texas Tech introduces their new head coach, Kliff Kingsbury.

Patrick: Aw, shit.

*Fin*