FanPost

Five Reasons why the Longhorns cry themselves to sleep

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Recap: That’s just how Coach Patterson drew it up.

For the college football "experts": If Ohio State or Wisconsin won on a late tipped ball, they’d move up 2 spots in the polls after 17 million shovel-faced Jeff Dunham fans woke up from stress-eating sticks of Land ‘O Lakes.

Reason #1: Schadenfreude – I’ve made habit of placing weekly voodoo curses on our conference opponents for the last few seasons. This week, I smiled between the entrails spilling and chicken bone divination, because I know that no evil spell could possibly do more damage to the Longhorns than they’ve already done to themselves. Through negligence, ineptitude and good old fashioned arrogance, the Texas leadership has turned that football program into dumpster juice. Since the start of the 2012 season, the Horns’ record is 24 wins & 19 losses (tip of the cap to Iowa State and Kansas). The combined score of their last 2 bowl loses was 14 - 61. They were throat-punched by Oregon State in the Alamo Bowl and played dead for 4 quarters against Arkansas. This year, UT’s season has been uglier than homemade shoes. You’ll do time in 6 states for what Notre Dame did to them on national television in game 1. They choked harder than David Carradine against Cal. Texas football is just like a new Adam Sandler script. Even though it’s guaranteed to be a functional failure that embarrasses all involved, it will make a sh!tload of cash and be inevitably followed by another revolting installment.

Reason #2: Long term memory care – Though roughly 95% of the Burnt Orange flags have disappeared from the lawns in my neighborhood, I’m still astonished at how many Texas alums wax philosophically about the greatness of UT football. Ricky Williams and Derrick Johnson are frequent examples and I recognize their recent National Championship. They’ve sent hundreds of players to the NFL and why wouldn’t they? Would a bar across the street from a depression clinic even need a happy hour? Location, location, location. Those closeted fans and I agree… with these recruiting grounds, they should be good EVERY year. Never missing the opportunity, I remind them that those Ricky teams really weren’t all that great. In 1997, the Horns had 4 wins & 7 losses. The most humiliating of the 7 was a 66 to 3 bludgeoning at the hands of UCLA and their regurgitative-future-car-wash-attendant QB Cade McNown who shot putted his way to 5 scores. While I’m at it, recall that Ricky padded those Heisman stats with 215 vs New Mexico State, 318 vs Rice and 350 vs Iowa State. That’s almost 900 yards against 3 teams who dine on recruiting’s version of opossum tripe. Don’t ever let facts get in the way of a good story.

Reason #3: Keep Austin Bad – The popularity of dreadlocks is a cheap shortcut in any discussion of Austin. Austin’s weirdness is more subtle. There’s no shortage of anthropology grads who play solo musical extrospections of Sid Viscous to audiences of 3 on 6th Street. It’s a bizarre phenomenon. Not as weird as modern fan art.

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But bizarre, nonetheless.

The quarterback troubles at UT are a bit of an oddity as well. Drew Brees, Nick Foles, Andrew Luck, Andy Dalton, Johnny Football, Matt Stafford, Ryan Tannehill and Derek Carr oddly enough. All are NFL QBs who prepped in Texas but somehow didn’t make it to Austin. Did I mention there’s a Heisman candidate taking snaps for the Frogs??? I remember 1997 (again), when Mack Brown brought the 5th ranked North Carolina Tarheels to the Carter. That team had TALENT! Greg Ellis, Ebenezer Ekuban, Dre Bly, Alge Crumpler and the #1 recruit in the country, QB Ronald Curry. It seems like I remember something about Coach Brown and recruiting… I’ll think of it later. These days when I search for "Texas QBs" on Amazon.com, the first two items under Frequently Bought Together are a rope and stepladder.

Reason #4: Your Delta Tau Chi name is… Fratastic – I’ve spoken to rational child-bearing humans who’ve pondered sending their sons to UT. "Maybe 4 or 5 years of XBOX & Edward 40 Hands is not so bad?" I always figured any UT fraternity men would have no trouble finding careers in zoology given the number of unconscious mammals they’d injected. That’s one of the perks of Longhorn football. A starter could stroll Guadalupe Street naked, passing out 8 x 10s of Carrot Top while cutting himself and it would appear as "advanced Lyme disease" on the police report. They’ve run a country club in Austin where alums can get mileage out of their SAT scores well into their 60s and the football team is just an extension. Apparently if your goal as a college football player is to have been really great at Plano West, then UT is the perfect landing spot. It’s just like Rush Limbaugh’s pill habit, the fans will always find a way to gloss over it.

Reason #5: This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps, Larry – The "experts" are blaming these troubles on the recently sacked Steve Patterson. He met all of the conditions necessary and sufficient for being the perfect UT candidate. He got his start in sports because his dad was general manager of the Houston Rockets for almost 18 years. He’s a type-A executive who cleans house and boosts the bottom line. Anyone with an internet connection and 3 brain cells to run together would have looked past all the buzzwords on his resume and learned that he drove the Portland Trailblazers off a cliff. But he’s got the assertive, freshly-Botoxed look that masks the fact that he’s as useless as mirror at Axl Rose’s house. Once again, the joke is on UT. They’ll be paying him millions to stay at home.

We love you Mr. Del Conte. Thank You.

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