FanPost

Five Reasons why the Cyclones should sit this one out

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Recap: You could fill a swimming pool with all those Wildcat tears. Better luck next year K-State… probably not, but there’s value in positive thinking.

Reason #1: Duct taped to a flagpole – The Cyclones’ record for the past 10 seasons is 45 wins against 78 losses. Last year, FCS powerhouse North Dakota State thumped them by 20 IN AMES, opening a season in which they went 2 & 10 with 0 wins in conference play. Apparently if you want the process of sitting down to be painful, become an Iowa State football fan. When your husky 9 year old tells you that he/she wants to be a professional skateboarder, you step in with helpful advice that will ease the transition to the woodwind section after the 2nd or 3rd broken wrist. Where was this guidance when the Cyclones decided to join the Big 12? How’s Iowa State fairing against college football’s perennial C-student, Oklahoma? Outscored by 170 points in 5 straight losses dating back to 2010, that’s how. This is how your school’s football season tickets become the perfect white elephant gift... OK, almost perfect.

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Reason #2: We prefer the term "living impaired" – The defense looks good this year… right? Going into this season, 10 of the 11 starters were upper-classmen. There were even a few nice JUCO signings (snickering… looking in K-State’s direction). One of their two wins last year was against the hated Iowa Hawkeyes! Then the Cyclones gave up almost 800 yards to Texas Tech. Leaning on the defense for success in the Big 12 is like flying Uzbekistan Airways for all the amenities. If you told me the defensive coordinator at Iowa State was Big Bird (i.e. Will Muschamp), I’d be more interested. Then again, we ALL can’t sign criminals from Boise State and play dumb about it. There’s something to be said for integrity, even if your defense is a chalk outline. Mr. Boykin and the lads should have a field day.

Reason #3: Russian Zombie Smack (Krokodil) – Time to get real. Unless you’ve spent the last week under a rock (and if you’re reading this, it’s a statistical toss-up), you know about former Rhode Island Rams forward Lamar Odom. In the pantheon of wheels-off attempts to kick the oxygen habit, this one is definitely on the medal stand. Anytime I see "found unconscious", "Nevada brothel", "herbal sexual performance enhancer" and "noon on a Tuesday" in the first sentence of an article, it has my undivided attention. It’s the very definition of full-throttle. Frankly, I was a little surprised that Lamar found a prostitute willing to bargain with him after having shared a bed with one of the Kardashians, but that disbelief was immediately suspended. This is exciting and entertaining for haters like myself and it’s the polar opposite of Iowa State football. Remember the last time someone threw an enthusiastic "Did you see the Iowa State game" at you? Me neither. I want college football matchups that offer easy segue into jokes about drunken coaches, flesh-eating Russian narcotics or heroic 4th quarter comebacks on the road. Sound familiar? I want living room backflip-fails. I don’t want to be put to sleep.

Reason #4: There’s a reason you’re single – Do you get a free flip-phone when you fax your national letter of intent to Ames? "Hey Gene Chizik used to coach here!" "Nikita Khrushchev visited Iowa State in 1959!" (I just won a bet by the way). A quick check of Phil Steele’s guide tells us that the average Iowa State starter held a composite prep ranking of 161 with a range between 10 and 407. This means that the average player was the 161st best at their position in their year of graduation. Alabama’s average is 18 by comparison. Save me the lecture on recruiting rankings for a moment and consider that, unlike the Frogs, they’re not getting talent and they’re not developing the talent they get. It’s a challenging combination for a team that could only manage 13 first downs against the Horned Frogs last year. My suggestion for reversing Iowa State’s recruiting troubles? Old pillow cases and a van with no windows.

Reason #5: Keg stand by me – Who am I kidding!? ISU has 36,000 students and Ames makes Waco look like the French Riviera. As long as the State of Iowa has vast stores of genetically-modified seed strains and election-steering farm subsidies, it’s a land ripe with opportunities. Who cares that half the population thinks DropBox is where you put the kids that you want the government to raise or that the Qin Dynasty was the 222 episodes of Roseanne? ISU lists the invention of Maytag Blue cheese and round hay bailers in their "technological achievements". If those aren’t totems of a well-rounded academic experience, I don’t know what it. Regardless, this week will be a good one for the Frogs. Maybe coach Meacham won’t find himself compelled to garrote the Referee with one of his shoelaces… "Left Hash!!!" This season is coming into form for the Horned Frogs.

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