Welcome to the jungle: weekly gambling picks

What’s up degenerates?

It’s finally here. It was time to give the people what they desperately wanted, nay, what they desperately needed in their lives; an article on gambling picks from your newly minted and favorite Frogs O War staff writer… me.

Some people have called my rise to prominence meteoric. And while it’s hard to argue with the undisputed facts of the situation, I’d rather not dwell on my rapid success.

Perhaps one day we will all sit down and I can chronicle and enumerate to you, the reader, my path to where I am today, but for now let’s focus on how to make you money.

DISCLAIMER – All games lines are taken Wednesday at 11 AM CST

Game One: No. 14 Florida (5-1, 3-1) vs. Georgia (4-3, 2-3)

First up, we have “The world’s largest cocktail party” aka the Florida Georgia Game. Florida is a 7.5 point favorite. While it is technically a neutral site game, it is in Jacksonville, Florida, which gives UF a possible advantage.

MY PICK: Take Florida against the spread

MY REASON: UGA is butt this year. They lost to Vanderbilt last week (ugh) and I don’t bet on teams that don’t have Chubb.

Game Two: Ole Miss (3-4, 1-3) vs. No. 15 Auburn (5-2, 3-1)

For our second game we have Auburn and Ole Miss. Auburn is a 4.5 point favorite. The rebels have lost their last two games, and Auburn is coming off a throttling of Arkansas, which ruined my lock of the year. That being said, the game is in Oxford.

MY PICK: Rebels to cover the spread (If you’re feeling crazy, take the money line)

MY REASON: It could be that I am still upset with auburn for ruining my life, but I think they’re playing above themselves and that will come to an end. I also think Ole Miss has played below their capacity and I think they will turn things around this week at home.

Game Three: No. 12 Florida State (5-2, 2-2) vs. No. 3 Clemson (7-0, 4-0)

Florida State is playing at home and Clemson is a 5 point favorite in this game. Clemson is undefeated and Florida State is 1-3 against the spread at home. It should be noted, however, that Clemson is coming off a bye where they had time to think about a game they should have lost to NC State.

MY PICK: Clemson

MY REASON: I think Florida State peaked a bit too early, and they haven’t looked the same after their loss to Louisville. I think Clemson will bounce back this week, and I think their defense is pure granulated salt. It is NaCl in the form of a defense

Homer Pick: TCU (4-3, 2-2) vs. Texas Tech (3-4, 1-3)

TCU is coming off a demoralizing loss for a very solid West Virginia, and Tech is coming off a circus game against Oklahoma. TCU is 4-3 and Tech is 3-4. What we know about this game is points will be scored. If you hate yourself and are a glutton for punishment, you might want to bet the under here. TCU is an 8.5 point favorite, which shocked me when I first saw the line.

MY PICK: TCU to cover.

MY REASON: I have not the slightest idea how this game will pan out, but what I know is Homers are going to Homer, and that’s what we have here. Plus, good teams win, and great teams cover, and I am ready to see TCU be a great team.

LOCK OF THE WEEK: No. 8 Baylor (6-0, 3-0) @ Texas (3-4, 1-3)

Baylor is a 3.5-point favorite against Texas

If you like money, bet on this game. Texas is bad.

Here’s my recommendation, pawn your wedding ring, or your significant other’s if you can get away with it. Sell your car, or do whatever you have to do to pony up the dough. This one is a can’t lose game. (Note: you can lose on any game)

Those are my picks.

Take these picks and do what you will. Whether you make a simple bet with a friend, you use monopoly money to make bets with your kids or your stuffed animal collection, or you have an actual bookie, remember the perennial words of Rick Reilly #bettingiswrong