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Testing a box of unreleased Cheez-It flavors

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Do we know why they trusted us with this? No, we do not.

Look, I’ll shoot you straight — there aren’t many perks for the average sports journalist. So when a representative from Cheez-It reached out to me after I ranked all 23 flavors of Cheez-It listed on the site ahead of TCU’s appearance in the Cheez-It Bowl, I was pretty pumped. They offered to send me four new flavors of “Cheez-It Snap’d,” which will apparently be released soon. I didn’t ask for many details — I just gave them my address and hoped they’d follow through.

And sure enough, three days later an unmarked red box appeared on my doorstep containing a bag of each new flavor — Double Cheese, White Cheddar Bacon, Jalapeño Jack and Cheddar/Sour Cream/Onion. My roommate Joey and I sat down at our table with a pen and a notepad and prepared to taste-test each new flavor. I had a glass of Scotch to cleanse the palate between each bite, he had a glass of water, and we dug in. We used a scale of 1-7 to rate each cracker on taste and texture, and we took notes on any special features.

Before I begin — I should note that normally, I am opposed to journalism masquerading as free PR for a brand. Luckily, I make no pretenses to being an actual journalist in this space. This is not a news piece or a journalistic item. This is meant solely for entertainment, and also meant as a vehicle for me to get free Cheez-Its for writing something.

Ready? Let’s get into it.

Double Cheese Cheez-It Snap’d

Right away, there was an instant burst of flavor. These apparently have some of the cheese dusted on top, which explains why most of the flavor is at the beginning of the cracker. The flavor is good but just shy of being overpowering, and the powder gives it a texture that isn’t unpleasant, but stops it from achieving a perfect score of seven.

Joey noted that the taste was “intense,” and that he wasn’t sure what the flavor was at first — he knew it was cheese, but didn’t know what kind. Turns out that’s just because it’s double cheese and they really went to town on the flavoring.

Think of these like Jamie Dixon’s hair. You’re not sure about the texture, and you’re almost amazed by it, but at the end of the day, the product is good.

GRANT: Taste 6, Texture 5

JOEY: Taste 4, Texture 6

Jalapeño Jack Cheez-It Snap’d

I’m moderately okay with spicy foods but never seek them out in snacks. Here’s the deal, though — these are unbelievably good. The jalapeño isn’t present at first bite, but slowly emerges as you chew, and lingers in a pleasant way after the cracker is gone. It’s a legitimately fantastic snack.

Joey concurred, and noted that good spicy chips are hard to come by. They’re not dauntingly spicy at all, just a little bit of a kick that gets the job done.

They were like the 2014 TCU defense — a unique and powerful variation that can hold its own with anyone, anywhere, at anytime.

GRANT: Taste 7, Texture 7

JOEY: Taste 6, Texture 6.5

White Cheddar and Bacon Cheez-It Snap’d

These were...okay.

The bacon flavoring is odd — they sort of taste like bacon bits, honestly, not like bacon. The cheddar was good, as always, but the overall taste was artificial at best.

Joey called them “strange,” but still gave them a higher rating than the double cheese. And he did make sure to note “I would still eat them,” a point on which we both agreed.

These were the 2016 Horned Frogs. There were bright spots (hi Baylor!), but honestly, you were left looking for something more.

GRANT: Taste 4, Texture 6

JOEY: Taste 4.5, Texture 6

Cheddar/Sour Cream/Onion Cheez-It Snap’d

These didn’t really taste like anything specific. The texture was light and crispy, as it was on all the chips (more on that later). But neither Joey nor I could pick up the onion. In fact, the first taste you pick up is exactly like the double cheese version.

It was a perfectly fine chip, but nothing special at all. To be clear — that still means we would eat them in a heartbeat. Sort of like the 2017 TCU football team, you had your doubts these were compete, but at the end of the day, they were more than acceptable.

GRANT: Taste 5, Texture 7

JOEY: Taste 3, Texture 6

Special mention must be made about the texture of these chips. They were perfect! Light and crunchy, and in a shape slightly more fun than normal Cheez-Its. (Are parallelograms fun? I think so). Well done on that.

So there you have it. I will have fun new flavors of Cheez-It to eat during the Cheez-It Bowl, and you will not. Na-na na-na boo boo.