clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Big 12 Football Teams as Bachelorette Contestants: An Analysis

New, 1 comment

America’s most inane game show and its wildest football conference finally meet

Original photo of Peter via abc.go.com

One of my favorite things to do is watch a bunch of men compete in a chaotic, contrived endeavor in which only two or three of them have a real shot at winning and the storylines grow more and more surreal throughout.

This might explain why I love both college football and The Bachelorette, which just wrapped up a season on Tuesday.

Hannah B’s season was full of drama, intrigue, and chicken nuggets, and the cast of characters had some of the more ridiculous human beings on God’s green earth. Luckily, there were about 10 guys that mattered this season, and there just so happen to be 10 teams in the Big 12.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? (Probably not.)

(editor’s note: spoilers ahead. but I am guessing most of you don’t care.)

Baylor: Jed

When he was good, he was great — a sweet guy, and Hannah liked him. When it got bad, it got real ugly — it turned out he had a girlfriend when he joined the show, and he kept it a secret until Hannah chose him. Baylor has had its own rise and scandal-ridden fall.

Also, Jed writes really crappy country music, and I can absolutely see Baylor hiring, like, Dan + Shay Luke Bryan for a university concert.

Iowa State: Kevin

Kevin stood out to me this season for one reason, and one reason only — I have no idea how he made it as far as he did. He was a complete bag of nothing the entire time, and somehow made it further than luminaries like John Paul Jones and Joe, The Box King of Chicago (a real person that exists).

Iowa State, by all rights, should not be as competitive as it is this season. The Cyclones have put together two solid years under Matt Campbell with nothing but grit and duct tape, and in the process have finished above traditionally better teams. Good for you, Iowa State/Kevin.

Kansas: Luke S.

Luke S.’s claim to fame was getting body-slammed through the Earth’s crust by Luke P. in the rugby date. Kansas gets routinely body-slammed through the Earth’s crust by almost every team it plays (with TCU in 2018 being a very glaring exception that proves the rule).

Plus, Luke S. was allegedly much more interested in promoting his new tequila brand than actually wooing Hannah. Kansas is much more interested in basketball than football, and their football coach, Les Miles, has recently been focused on launching an acting career. It’s a perfect fit.

Kansas State: Peter

Well-liked, well-rounded, and wholly unremarkable. Peter is the guy in your friend group that you’re always glad tags along to the bar, but five minutes alone with him and you’ll be struggling to find any semblance of conversation. Similarly, Kansas State built a respected brand under Bill Snyder and should do the same once Chris Klieman gets his feet wet, but do you really want to watch a full Kansas State game?

Oklahoma: Tyler C.

The ultimate five-tool player. Tyler C. has a jawline that could put a Hemsworth to shame, took some snaps at quarterback for Wake Forest and said the sweetest things possible to Hannah. Much like Tyler C., Oklahoma has all the talent in the world and is, rightfully, the near-consensus pick to win the Big 12.

Plus, like Oklahoma against Texas last year, Tyler C. originally lost, as Hannah picked Jed. But both the Sooners and Tyler C. got their revenge, whether it was in the Big 12 title game or After the Final Rose.

Oklahoma State: Garrett

Both were at one point legitimate contenders that never quite made it to the mountaintop, but that’s not the main focus here. Garrett is a PGA Professional, which is a misleading title — he’s not a professional golfer, but rather a pro like you’d find at your higher-end country clubs. He’s still really good, to be clear. And Oklahoma State is the most consistently dominant golf program in the nation. I bet Garrett would break par at Karsten Creek in Stillwater if you gave him a practice round the day before.

TCU: Connor S.

Connor went to business school at SMU, and I can imagine he’d fit right in at the Neeley School of Business. He’s a finance guy, which lines up with nearly every single one of the friends I graduated with.

He also — and this is key here — has the ultimate Southern frat guy voice, despite not being from Texas (he’s from Michigan). That corresponds to every California fraternity student at TCU who suddenly turns into a Matthew McConaughey impersonator.

Plus, Connor S. was a fan favorite that flew too close to the sun and was eliminated early, much like TCU last season against Ohio State. He’s also apparently going to tear it up in Bachelor in Paradise, which is the equivalent of TCU’s constantly entertaining appearances in mid-tier bowl games.

Texas: Luke P.

The big bad guy of the bunch. Luke P. was undeniably handsome and strangely charismatic — Texas is undeniably talented and their all-white uniforms are strangely alluring. Both have an inexplicable charm over the people making the decisions, as Hannah kept him until the final four and the AP voters put Texas in the Top 10 every chance they get.

And both are constantly ragged on (for good reasons) by every single one of their opponents. The other guys on The Bachelorette might as well have flashed the Horns Down at Luke P. every time he walked into the room.

Texas Tech: Cam

A thorn in everyone’s side, a sublime provocateur, and a man not afraid to use food as a weapon, Cam might as well be a Red Raider already. His one bit — freestyling — was about as useful as the Texas Tech defense in recent years. And he (ingeniously) used chicken nuggets to steal Hannah away from a competitor, the greatest food-based mind game since the last time fans at AT&T Jones Stadium hurled tortillas at the opposition. Cam and Texas Tech didn’t win much, but they sure left a mark.

West Virginia: John Paul Jones

John Paul Jones was here to do one thing, and that was to bring the party. The man chugged champagne at every available opportunity, kept a luxurious mane of hair and refused to be called anything other than John Paul Jones. He was a walking on-fire couch in the best way, and comparing him to the Mountaineers is the nicest thing anyone has said about West Virginia in months.