I come to you now at the turn of the tide to bring back
America’s the Big 12’s TCU’s my mom’s favorite mildly humorous college football recap series.
We missed Week One of the college football season, but to be fair, there weren’t many things worth seeing in the first week of action, unless you count Tennessee embarrassing itself on a national scale. That happens every week though, so no harm done.
But we’re not going to entirely discount Week One. Let’s merge it in with Week Two for the 2019 season’s highly anticipated first edition of: Did Y’all See That?
DID Y’ALL SEE: Hugh Freeze’s press box seating?
Coach Freeze is known mostly for his work at Ole Miss, where he was fired for allegedly using a university cell phone to call a phone sex line in Orlando. Trust me when I say that had this column been in existence when that story broke, I would not have talked about anything else for at least three weeks.
But now Freeze is at Liberty University, the Jerry Falwell-led, ultra-Christian home of such luminaries as, uh, former Baylor AD Ian McCaw, who oversaw the Briles Era. Has Coach Freeze settled down at his new abode?
Reader, he has not. Freeze came down with a staph infection that exacerbated the effects of a herniated disc before the season started. We won’t make fun of him for that — staph infections are serious. We will, however, make fun of him for coaching Liberty’s opening game against Syracuse from a hospital bed located in the press box of the stadium.
Here now is a picture of Freeze during a mid-game interview:
There are many questions to be asked here. Perhaps the most pressing is — why is he wearing a visor in a hospital bed?
Luckily, Freeze felt good enough that he could ditch the bed for Week Two. What was his choice of seating for that game? A dentist’s chair.
Here’s Hugh Freeze’s chair in the UL press box, obtained via source pic.twitter.com/v2GdoRKVIm— Ross Dellenger (@RossDellenger) September 6, 2019
Liberty lost both games, FYI.
DID Y’ALL SEE: Florida State’s alignment problems?
Now, look, it’s probably not nice to kick a program when it’s down. We always try to punch up here at DYST, and the Seminoles aren’t above anyone at the moment.
But it’s no small wonder that FSU survived Week Two only because Louisiana-Monroe missed an extra point in overtime. After all, one of their wide receivers wasn’t quite sure which end zone was his.
We’ve all been there, buddy. (Actually, we probably haven’t.)
DID Y’ALL SEE: Jeremy Pruitt’s unfortunate metaphor?
Calling Tennessee football a sinking ship is disrespectful to the Titanic — the Titanic at least had survivors.
But Volunteer head coach Jeremy Pruitt thinks it’s a pretty accurate comparison.
Jeremy Pruitt’s Titanic reference via @ByMikeWilson: "When the boat starts going down, remember all the mice running to the top, right? We have had a few that left our program, but you will figure out who wants to be a Tennessee Vol & who don’t. I can tell you this: I want to."— Brett McMurphy (@Brett_McMurphy) September 9, 2019
So let’s see — the program is a sinking ship, and the players worth keeping are mice? Wait — maybe the players that want to leave the program are mice. Or maybe Jeremy Pruitt is a mouse. It’s hard to say.
Twitter naturally latched on to the quote and ran with it, far better and cleverer than I could ever hope to do so. My favorite joke was a tie between Bunkie Perkins:
The Titanic was the original Vol Navy https://t.co/jmmT18CEtn— Bunkie Perkins (@BunkiePerkins) September 9, 2019
And this deep cut from Holden Link:
Rocky Top you'll always be— Holden Link (@HoldenLink) September 9, 2019
Nearer my God to thee
Tremendous work, everyone.
DID Y’ALL SEE: SMU’s turnover gimmick?
Now, look. I personally have nothing against the city of Dallas. I think it’s a perfectly fine place where 25-year-old corporate shills named Tanner and wannabe cowboys can get together and live in peace and harmony.
But SMU might have taken the Dallas stereotype of being the bottle service of cities a little too literally. When the Mustangs debuted their (legitimately very cool) jerseys paying homage to Dallas this weekend, they also showed off their new turnover gimmick.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: The Turnover Bottle Service.
If that doesn’t embody the city’s ethos of “having to move to Katy Trail Icehouse because your boy Connor got into a dustup with bouncers at Bottled Blonde,” I don’t know what does. Credit to SMU for trying something new, and in a vacuum I don’t necessarily hate the idea. But pairing that celebration up with the Dallas jerseys is just too good to be true.
DID Y’ALL SEE: The Michigan message boards?
Michigan escaped with a win over Army in double overtime, proving once and for all that the Wolverines hate the troops. But as it turns out, the only thing Michigan fans hate more than the U.S. Armed Forces is Michigan itself.
Hmm. Computer, enhance image “Army Deserved to Win, Out-coached us (Salute to the Cadets).
Ah, that’s the good stuff.
And reader, I’m sure you’re wondering — did this particular thread devolve into a heated argument over U.S. military involvement in Vietnam and the Middle East? Why yes, yes it did. (Warning: supremely dumb, possibly offensive stuff to be found.)
Go Big Blue!